Whirlwind

Let me start off by saying...I got 8 hours of sleep last night. Yes, that's great and all but let me explain why that 8 hours was a God thing and absolutely necessary.

As I've metioned many times before, I like routine and change and me don't really agree on things. I'd like to make this blog all about the good days, but every once and a while there will be a bad day. I always tell the people I work with that we have to deal with change and help them identify within themselves different ways to cope with it so they don't get stuck in their unproductive patterns. Well, last night was my time to begin practicing what I preach.

I don't know if it was not being tired, not exercised in a few days, being worried or anxious or what...but my husband described it as "Honey, you seem strung out." (He was right, though I hate to admit it). I think everything just came to a head. Yesterday was not a good day for Matthew, he was having trouble sleeping and was waking early from his naps and not really sleeping soundly during them. When this happens it is coupled with tears...both Matthew's and mine.

Earlier in the day my mom came to sit with Matthew so I could go get an outfit for David's Christmas party tonight. I think this is where it started because it is not fun shopping for clothes when you still got your nice post pregnancy figure. I got frustrated there about not being able to find anything that I felt looked good...though I did walk away with an outfit to wear. (Now that I've slept and I'm more positive, I will say that I have lost all the weight...numbers...that I gained during pregnancy, I just got this extra skin that's gotta shrink. This is the information no one tells you but should.)

After Matthews late afternoon feeding he only slept for like 40 minutes. David and I fed him at 7 and did his bedtime routine and then he didn't sleep again for a long time. In the midst of that I was trying to do my exercise and couldn't because he kept crying right as I would get started again. My sweet husband forced me to go outside and go for a run, which I did. May I say that it is so good to have David as he totally knows what I need and how to make me do it. It was beautiful in my ears when I heard "I love you Pam and I'm here to help so you can take care of you in order to better take care of Matthew and me"...and then he scurries off to help Matthew go to sleep.

So, I cried, I cursed, I laughed, I thought about banging my head on the wall, and I realized I slowly took control of my life and Matthew's back from God and it did not go well. I became focused more on a schedule, a routine than loving and helping guide Matthew in his sleeping and eating based on his little body. I HAVE to consult his Creator in order to know what he needs and I confess I haven't done so well on that this week. Though God's blessings continue to flow and it was like He reached down, picked me up, placed me  in my bed and wrapped His arms around me and comforted me until this morning. Every night I always say a prayer over Matthew when I put him down and I realized I hadn't been doing that...my prayer is the same every night "God, please hold and watch over Matthew while I can't."

David feed Matthew at 2am...so he went from 10pm-2am, then he slept until 5:15am. However, here is where the new things came in. I went in there and changed his diaper, put him right back in bed and he slept until 6:30am. At that point he became restless but still not crying, I went back in and put his pacifier in and he slept until 7:30am where I got up and fed him to start off his day. So, we're getting there.

I realize that if I'm not okay, Matthew's not okay. I have to take care of myself and the main thing is I have to let go. I feel good about that...its like I got some clarity, funny how sleep helps with that. I realize I have a supportive and involved husband who wants to be a father to his son and I can let him and go do my things. I realize I have supportive parents who want to be involved with their grandson and I can let them...they aren't going to do anything to hurt him though they will spoil him.

After all that, I slept for 8 hours. THis morning David and I were discussing our strategies and still trying to figure out our nighttime routine...and he said "I don't really care what happened...all I know is that you slept for 8 hours and its been about 4 months since you've done that." 

Thank you God for allowing me to rest in Your arms and rest physically and within my soul. I feel rested.

Thank you David for recognizing when I've reached my breaking point and being kind and firm with me that I've got to take care of me. You have a way of reaching into my heart and pulling out what you know is really going on and loving and supporting me through it. I know I can do this with you in my corner because we're doing it together.

Thank you Matthew for being forgiving and for giving your mommy a new day. I love you so much and I didn't know I had that within me but I love every minute of it, even the bad moments because they truly teach me how to be a better mommy for you. I'm working on it and Matthew, I think we're going to make it after all.

Long post, I know. Tonight is a big night as Matthew will spend the night for the first time with Gran and Pop while David and I go to his Christmas party and spend a night alone. Big step...glad God gave me this control lesson last night in preparation for tonight...ha!  Will report soon how tonight went.